i feel rough
just turned on the light, there is blood EVERYWHERE.
I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.
sitting in my room eating a boneless rib tv dinner, and listening to taylor swift's love story, and i sharted. had to finish the ribs and hear the end of the song before i went to the bathroom to wipe.
I could make wine with my vomit
It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...
I was just at the bank and there was a fat lady wearing a cape. today is gonna be awesome.
hot ketchup is not a substitute for marinara
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
Are you being sarcastic? I can't tell this time because you're in the hospital.
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
I feel violated by Miley Cirrus's performance in the VMA's.
Lets just say I tried to pinky promise the cop... So I was fucked up.
No no no, I want to share him with you. Think of it as me sharing a piece of delicious pie with you. He was THAT GOOD.
You sent me a very drunk love letter
Was it the one about pterodactyls?
I was disappointed I thought you actually loved me
I bet he’d be surprised by the epic blow job he’d get if he stopped talking about his wife long enough for me to get in the mood
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