My kitchen smells like failed pina coladas.
Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
boyfriend complimented me on my new prada shoes today. he is officially either gay or the man im gonna marry. knowing my luck it's all of the above.
She's NOT homeless...she graduated early.
come over. we are watching hoarders and playing i spy.
I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.
I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.
when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
We couldn't find the paddle I had gotten so he just spanked with my tennis raquet
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
he pulled my tampon string out with his teeth like a grenade pin yelling frag out! That's why I fuck guys back from deployment. They'll go the distance
What part of “the stripper has a gun, we need to leave” is confusing you? She’s drunk, she’s fucking crazy and NOW SHE’S PACKING HEAT!
Randomize
