Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
My family just legit passed around a fifth of Maker's Mark. Also, this is sort of a Thanksgiving tradition. Also, Maker's Mark is really good.
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?
I thought he was walking around the front. I just hit and run my booty call. I'm the worst non girlfriend ever
Yeah thats cool. We can play the alphabet game while doing bumps of coke in the back of his volswagon
I have dibs on his crisis of faith.
it wasn't until he got that douchey haircut that i started regretting sleeping with him
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
okay when i look at this i can see it on the future news along with the headline "picture scandal involving senatorial candidate sexually harassing drunken idiot in what appears to be a pink room of pain"
He was saying things like "cum for me like a good girl" and "put my entire python I like to call a dick in your mouth" .. Okay I might have changed that one a bit
You added his wife on Facebook?! You're horrible at this mistress thing
My hookup from last weekend apparently got arrested today... his roommate just tagged me on facebook asking for bail money.
I swear to god, I'm like....the Jedi master of dick.
I need to start dating older women. We tried sexting and she used more emojis than actual words. It was so bad that I did the math...her messages were 54% emoji. No one should make me feel this old when I'm only 28.
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