Just looked at my call log. I called Planned Parenthood at 3am.
Please tell me you are a size medium in men's clown onesies and that you forgot them here last night.....
This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup
If it makes you feel any better about life I'm wearing yoga pants with granny panties and toms with socks cause fuck my life
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
For the record, rock bottom is where you start crying during porn because your ex used to slap your ass like that.. Continue on with your day now.
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Is it completely inappropriate to base my morning after pill purchase on if they sell coffee or not?
What happened last night and why am I partially covered in queso?
i'm sitting in my room 'bout to smoke a bowl. also, i found out that you don't need a permit to own a tiger in wisconsin, so we're buying one when we move in together.
I woke up upside down with my head in your ottoman and like a foot of space between the ottoman and chair.. My legs were straight up in the air... Yes. Your mother found me.
I woke up and saw that my last google search was "Bacon neck".
People probably think I’m a fangirl bc I go to so many shows but it’s really bc I like fucking the tour manager
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