its official: beach shits are the exact same as mountain shits
Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...
It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.
I'm high and reading a Wikipedia article on circumcision procedure. Help.
I'm sure you can think of a way to make money.. God didn't give you boobs that awesome to waste them feeding your children..
You pissed off the back deck while listening to the national anthem from your phone screaming America Fuck Yea to my neighbors
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
he said didn't have much sexual experience and then proceeded to tell me he is going to make me cum harder than my vibrator could
well, that escalated quicky
Alls I wanted was a fun New Years but I end up fingering a geico sales representative on a futon and giving her a ride to work the next morning
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
is it bad that I see hot guys I wanna sleep with as challenges instead of actual people?
yes. but it works for you
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
Have you ever wanted to murder the Sun? To bring the life-giving fusion reactor to a bitter end because of the sheer agony it brings to your eyes as it keeps you awake. And for waking the birds. Fuck birds.
The seven of us sank the first paddle boat, but the second one was much nicer and we stayed afloat. Best night in a while, but we had to walk of shame for a mile.
Why are you rhyming?
Too stoned. That is how my thoughts are collecting.
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize
