He never called back after I emailed him my booty call contract.
i kinda want to bang the mythbusters girl... i bet she's got a nice snapper
Another f*ing night of vodka youporn and xanax. I need to get a goddamn life
3 great things that go great together... But not on a Friday night. Perfect on say... a Tuesday.
Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.
We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.
Dear, was it your thong we found wrapped around my hairbrush next to Rachel's bed? Please explain.
I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.
I'm glad I get the same reaction from you for cookies and for my naked body
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
at crossfit today a guy shit his pants while deadlifting 405 lbs. coach made fun of him then congratulated him on his new personal record.
Gay bathhouses. They're actually a thing. So god does exist. And he doesn't hate me as much as you think he does
Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.
So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?
you don't even have a vagina so you don't get to tell me what to put in mine
MY LIFE IS A TRAINWRECK THATS ON FIRE BUT SOMEHOW STILL MOVING, I HAVE THE RIGHT TO SCREAM OUTSIDE AT 2AM
From now on he's gonna have to shave first. It feels like I got eaten out by a chainsaw!
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