Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.
You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy
It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.
oh my god i'm in a crawl space
New definition for "rock bottom": Waking up in a puddle of your own puke, missing your fake tooth. Then having to dig through said puddle of puke for aforementioned fake tooth. Think it's time I quit partying so hard.
Is this your way of breaking up with me as my wingman?
Any clothing i put on is too many clothes.
So who won the naked front yard Olympics last night?
Well my tits are spray painted gold & i have what i think r the Olympic rings shaved in my vag !!!!!!!SO its safe to say i won something ....
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
I will be there. invited or not. I go where the pancakes go.
Then he unzipped his pants and whispers, " oohhh, look out!"
So I couldn't find Leif..... He fell asleep in our closet upstairs trying to get changed into warmer clothes
I just walked by a dude at the gym covering himself in olive oil.
Okay, so is being determined to have my vagina licked by a woman on Valentine's day an acceptable goal?
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