The first thing on our $10,000 damage bill was "condoms in the main drain"
I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.
You can tell a man will be prosperous by the power of his farts- A fart that can shake the room is a voice that can change the world.
After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
I told him I was on the pill and it was OK to fire away. I want to never have to wear panty house or ever go to an office again. This is my early retirement plan. I want half of his NBA money.
My aunt left me alone with the instructions to "get waisted" by the time she returns. I love drunk aunt.
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
i woke up at 4 pm face down on my hardwood living room floor. i would say its a new low but i think I found my new napping spot
There is maybe 10 hours out of any given day we aren't sober.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
I'm ne vrr drinkjng againnnnnnnn dforeal.
i am also 80% sure that my shirt glows in the dark.
Turns out my GF and my FWB have a mutual friend. Yada yada yada, I need to crash on your couch
You got up in the middle of a sentence, puked, came out and poured another glass of wine and continued your story.
Randomize
