She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship
Wait
Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.
Well, maybe we can talk about it over a drink and some crushed up vicodin.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I just used the proceeds from selling my ex's engagement ring to fund my first date with another girl.
I drunkenly texted ur dad last night telling him he raised great kids hahahahaha
Well just give me the address, I'll bring the bourbon. If they let that into mental institutions
I JUST SAW MY THERAPIST OUTSIDE OF WORK AND I DONT KNOW THE ADULT THING TO DO
I swear it’s like he’s filling my soul via my vagina
They don't really make a "hey I'm fucking your ex wife" card do they ?
If you can wrestle my underwear off of me, you can top. It'll be like using an amulet in Legends of the Hidden Temple. Instead of not getting captured, you don't get fucked in the ass.
Randomize
