hey babe. i'll pick you up in my mom's car. with my mom. she has nothing to do tonight.
susan atkins died, charles manson's lady
dont cry, there are other serial killers to crush on.
Whenever I don't wipe thoroughly after shitting, I just think that anyone if anyone sticks their finger up my ass, they had it coming.
Just promise me you won't ring in the new decade by clutching onto a toilet
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
and that's why he's hiding in the taco suit
don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
Dude, why did I wake up with ketchup packets in my bed and the stove in my room??
Turns out he's just a recently divorced IT guy. Not a wizard.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
when your dumb AF ex “accidentally” venmos you $50 and texts you asking for it back..... —sorry I accidentally deleted your number and cashed out
Played Gay Bar on the jukebox and pissed off the Republicans here. Best day before birthday ever.
Randomize
