he said he doesnt sext because the government can tap that kind of shit too. no boobie pics for him.
he's legally blind and likes the sound of my voice, good enough for me.
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.
so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
Welp just pooped in a garbage can. Guess I'm not better than you at life in any aspect.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
My condom drawer is now filled with W-2s and tax return documents. Is this adulting?
My fuck buddy and I talked about Amelia Bedilia for ten minutes before having sex. I think I'm in love.
He slept outside in his hammock, and then took a lawn chair with him in the shower because he was too drunk to stand up.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
My boss couldn’t find her phone so she asked me to call it and when I found it the screen said Fuck Toy was calling. I’m very much okay with this
Randomize
