It took him longer to undo my bra than he lasted..
like i told you yesterday: virgins, blood, my name. do it.
i just sold back the books i vomitted on
i had to pay fifty dollars for throwing up in the limo, 60 fucking dollars to throw up all over myself
A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?
we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman
Responsibility: Hiding your beer when your DWI clients who are out on bond come to talk to you at bars.
The only pictures I have are of me being stoned or me looking like a man, which do you prefer?
Nothing says "lifelong friendship" like FaceTiming in a sex shop.
making my breakfast out of the pot brownies we made last night. Safe to say it's time to go grocery shopping.
I remember puking but I don't remember where. PSA: don't go barefoot around the house
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
I was blacked out when we met, so basically this will be a blind date.
He's such a jerk. If only his penis was attached to someone else
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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