Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.
what. the. fuck.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
I'm driving behind a lime green VW that has "Seniors '10!" shoe polished on the rear window. i haven't even seen her yet, but I do have a boner.
Why do you think she gets more guys?
well her prof pic is her in her bedroom looking hot and mine is me looking terrified while holding a giant spider at 6 flags, so there's that
Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.
How is it that I've hooked up with not one but two guys in the children's section of a bookstore tonight?
I think I died last night.
Yeah, you got carried home
I told my boss that I'm in a slutty stage of my life right now and the chef overheard and slipped me his number. I might get laid tonight
I'm gonna forget you just shared your personal blowjob aesthetic with me and move on
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
where did we go last night? there's dollar bills all over my room & they're all wet.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality
Leave it to my mom and I to turn the hearing into a drinking game.
Randomize
