I'm so tired of dating women who lie about their age. You show up feeling like you need to follow them around with a dust pan and a broom.
I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...
don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there
the only compliment i could think of for this chick was that she looked 'moderately attractive'
yeah we were the ones eating jello shots out of the back of a jeep in the bar parking lot
I couldn't drink enough to fuck the friend, you said challenge accepted and stole some chicks shot.
struggle bus is officially taking me on a road trip to hell. If this is just the first destination, I'll jump out the fucking window.
If I am telling you about the details of the shits I take I probably don't want to have sex with you. Probably.
Why wake up next to a guy when you can wake up next to a bag of chips and not have to worry about what kind of std you might've caught
Locals got pissed I was talking to the barmaid. Tried to tell me that they keep all the good beer at "a Soho walkup" Google saved me
that was the most beautifully crafted sentence ive ever read that involved the phrase "genitals or whatever"
the most terrified I've ever been was seeing Danny Devito squirming on the ground in this underwear, covered in hand sanitizer, completely hairless
I just called my grandma crying, apologizing for being the first grandchild to have premarital sex...I'm either about to start my period or pregnant.
I’m 95% positive I adopted a bunny last night.
You had cocktails, didn’t you?
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