He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
I'm seriously so bored I'm seeing how many rooms I can masturbate in before I get caught.
Four. Poor grandma...
We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?
Who won mens moguls?
That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.
I didnt believe in cockblocking untill my roomate brought home that.
i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?
Come on Nikki god gave you a vagina for a reason, so you could tell guys what kind of shots to buy you
I've come to the conclusion that the dicks in Arizona just don't have enough size for me.
We let him drunkenly pack his own bags without checking them. Yet no one was surprised when the TSA girl pulled a 12 pack out of his carry on.
My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
He sent me a slow motion video of him jerking off...it was so long (the video not his dick) even I felt awkward watching it alone
I'm just glad I met someone who probably won't punch you in the face
The good thing about country bars is that the men generally look like men. The bad thing is the country music.
I'm not fucking any of these fools. But if they want to buy me Olive Garden, that's their business.
High school drama coach is wasted and wanted me to tell you that I’m good at flip cup and you should be very proud of me
Where the hell are you
Randomize
