i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
I have shoes on. No pants. And my jacket pockets are full of ketchup and grass. Yes. Good night.
Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?
when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood
You've slept with me you know how lazy I am in bed.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.
He said the main reason he fucked me was cause of my storm trooper tattoo. IT ATTRACHES ALL THE HOT NERDS
I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.
Idk I've taught my 18 month old how to say nipple so kids aren't all bad
Omg my brain. Most recent thought: I fucking prayed in the bathroom that the other girl would leave. Prayed to Jesus
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
But the real reason your aunt is drunk crying is because she has already had four margs and went for a 5th and someone is trying to stop her
hypothetically, what's the best method to remove an stray semen gob from a roommate's important school document?
Nothing quite like spending your evening singing Shania Twain I Feel Like a Woman barbershop quartet Style with some homeless guys outside of Keyport liquor. love Shania Twain. How's your Sunday?
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