I'm walking behind a man wearing a womans shirt, heels, mens pants and a baseball hat
Her vagina smelled like hockey gear.
I bet i've been more pregnant than you.
Adam has been drinking
Who has his phone
Adam does
pretty sure i remember announcing that i lost my virginity to that brad paisley song when it came on during power hour?
so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.
She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".
Getting business cards printed for tonight. Would you rather be: 1. Vice President of Argentina 2. Celebrity Dental Assistant or 3. Dial-Up Internet Technician
3. Dial-Up Internet Technician.
By the way, I got bored last night and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.
I'm drunk at McDonald's in a fairy costume at 10 am nearly two weeks after Halloween. I don't think the Ohio State fans get it.
We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?
Just got that "I know what's going on with your vagina" look from that CVS cashier.
You bought MORE?!
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
I am at a point in my life where I don't want to brush my teeth for my tinder date because toothpaste and martinis don't mix.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
Randomize
