Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one
Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.
getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.
You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.
what customs doesn't know wont hurt them
I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
The bartender seems to not like the DD's anymore. I'm sad
Pretty sure I just puked up sand. And nothing else.
I picked up the bartender so he could open the bar early and ended up with him giving me a ride home when he closed. I like snowdays and everything, but they get really expensive. Also, I think I threw up on his front door. Not checking.
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
So, no matter what happens today, hold on to this. At least you're not naked under your ex husband's trench coat being stopped by the police who also work with your ex husband. Long story. Actually, not a long story. That's it.
My moms new boyfriend looks like Stu Pickles if he was in a biker gang. He gave me free coke though, so come party?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
Randomize
