Tell her to not eat the pizza she threw up on.
He tried peeing out of the sunroof.
She is feeding us popcorn out of her bra
She took the bride and groom figures and the top layer of their cake and tried to walk out of the reception with it in her purse.
I knew it would be an interesting night when he showed up at my house on a scooter wearing a six foot american flag as a cape.
I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.
Seriously. Come back. I've had two beers for breakfast so far. The third will be for lunch since it's already 12.
I'm wearing green eyeshadow so even if I end up totally naked I still won't get pinched.
you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.
I mean I kinda plunged vagina first into my last relationship
There's a quesaritto in the oven. Neither of us have been to Taco Bell in 3 weeks.
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
Honestly, if you don't have a lawsuit pending against you by this time tomorrow, I'll be impressed.
My manager gave me an envelope with money in it before he had vacation, and when I asked what it was for, he said it will be his bail money.
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
Randomize
