Life Lesson Number 76: Masturbating into a sock is useless if there is a hole in it.
she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.
She touched you, you're now contaminated for 48 hours. Please watch out for rashes, hives and STDs as she's known to have all three.
this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.
we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...
Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.
You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?
The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge
Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air
I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date. I will not get drunk on our first date.
I came in like 30 seconds, and my dog got to watch me take the walk of shame to the bathroom to clean up. All in all, not my best performance.
The bad thing is that I bled through my bandages last night and keep finding blood around the house. It's almost like a scavenger hunt for solber me. I get to find out where drunk me went.
If you really hate him do what I do: give him an amazing night of unforgettable sex then dump him. You’ll ruin sex for him because new girls won’t compare
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