i had the deer in headlights look when she walked in and i was digging in her hamper
She had just swallowed, of course i didnt kiss her goodbye
Wasn't she moving abroad?
Are you really going to debate this?
For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence
There's a point around the one and a half minute mark where the keg stand goes from impressive to pathetic
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?
Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in
So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
I got a lap dance in honor of your birthday last night.
Thank you.
theres a video...
oh god.
As in, legitimately worried. You just sent me a 6 message long text that did not contain any complete words.
I don't want too, lol. I'm currently awaiting my next period like its the second coming of christ
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