Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.
this girl and her friend just showed up at my house. standing together, theylook exactly like the number 10. this has cockblock written alllllll over it.
when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.
I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there
Here's a tip. Don't party with someone that needs sexual attention. Drinking and sexual attention don't mesh well in the morning. Especially over a bowl of Cheerios.
Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome
I think I just legit sprained my wrist from holding myself up while giving a blow J. God dammit come already
She throws back shots like they are NO-THING. I swear, she goes through like five straight tequila shots, does a jello shot, chases with half a hot dog, has a rum and coke, and then takes her shirt off and makes an impromptu bandage out of it for fuckin' Tim who cut himself on the flagpole. I'm going to marry her.
Sorry I yelled at you and called you Amish and puked on your eggs
This kid wants me to stop partying. Like I have only known you for 5 days. Chill.
I sent him a tex saying, "I thought my intentions were clear" drunk me has some balls.
Dude I may be rolling but there's no way I can make up a 12 ft tall giant green man waving to me right now
False alarm, security just told me it's a radio tower
I know you would never do it--but if I ever walk into your house and find a "live love laugh" ANYTHING, I will commit you to an asylum. If it is a vinyl decal adhered to the wall, I will just smother you myself.
Someone made a Christmas song to the Flintstones theme and I'm suing for emotional distress.
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