I really wish I could go back in time to change the course of events that led to me sitting on the internet at 3 Googling 'Traumatic masturbation' while talking to you about failed dates, and running a virtual restaurant in a video game.
my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh
is this your pickup line?
They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.
Am I allowed to compare getting cum'd on the face to a warm summer rain?
I feel like despite his sleaziness I could be friends with this man. he just sent me a picture of his dog's balls.
Sorry about the flaming shit on your door
I never thought I'd be in my late 20s and send that text
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
My dad just accidentally taught me how to make fake IDs. I love my life.
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
I've never seen an uncircumcised penis. I mean in person. I've clearly seen an uncircumcised penis. I have the google.
The typical response to someone smacking their vodka soaked hand on your face is not to put your face in their crotch
I just had a drunk lesbian experience.... How do I break it to my boyfriend??
I AM A GOOD PERSON AND THEREFORE I DESERVE QUALITY DICK!
He walked into the bar with a pineapple and they served him AND the pineapple
So about that you can bill me for the chair but it was David's idea to jump from the window sill into the washer with "clothing pillows of cloudiness" to land on to get ahold of him you have to phone his mother
I just talked to her she really hates you like a lot
Randomize
