you tried to tell me that ice cream had no calories because they were "frozen"
Ok so the guy below me is either having sex very loudly or is very lonely
How do I tell if what I'm covered in is pee or cum?
apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"
I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.
and then she judged me for using my bra as a potholder. hard times my friend, welcome to college.
You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
Like I could never be a lawyer because I would just look like a porn star impersonation of a lawyer.
I feel slightly un-patriotic right now... I just got cock blocked by the Air Force!
After finding out he was married when we were together, I don't trust him.
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
LACE UP YOUR GODDAMN SHOES
N O
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