Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
Would you still love me if I had no teeth
Yeah why?
Cuz i woke up this morning and a few are gone
I just mixed tequila and nyquil in front of dad. hes making ambulance jokes but let me tell you its DELICIOUSSS
Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.
Also, the wait staff kept prematurely clearing my Manhattans. Not sure if it was an oversight or a hint.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
woke up to a family dragging me under their beach umbrella, they poured water on me bc they "thought I was dead" then fed me quesadillas and nursed me back to health... gotta love Cabo
I'm seriously considering refraining from drinking on school nights.
I like how you say that with 4 school days left of the school year..
Does your body have a liquid mass index? does that make sense? I think I drank it in Long islands.. Kill me now..
Woke up in a bathtub with both of my legs broken. How was your night?
They put me in room 420 every time and I take bubble baths and smoke in the room and they bring food TO MY BED
Ever find a porn video so groundbreaking you mentally cancel all your Dick Appointments for the week?
He's here walking around DRUNK AS FUCK in a Kobe Bryant number 8 jersey... Tucked in.
Just stalked the girl I hooked up with last night's boyfriend. He seems nice, I approve.
Grumpy Cat is dead and fuck EVERYTHING.
Randomize
