I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
I am in shape. i keep telling you that.
Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."
I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.
we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing
that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome
we agree. completely
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
They want to listen to Lady Gaga while they puke.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
You just handed me your ATM card and wrote your PIN number on a dollar bill and said "for bail money."
the scent of your tears make me crave pizza
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
Its a cash in stratch tickets to afford cigarettes and coffee kind of friday
God it's like my stomach is full of drunk bees
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
My debit card was between my ass cheeks when i woke up. i vaguely remember putting it there for safe keeping
I need an outfit that says "thanks for hiring me" but also says "i want dick in my mouth".
Randomize
