i just found a cheeto on my floor and ate it. i might still be drunk.
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in
No, seriously, 1.5 gallons of sangria plus two days of untapped cock. Waiting here. For you.
two words...techno handjob
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
WHAT KIND OF GUY JACKS OFF TO A PICTURE OF A BUTT WHAT IS THIS THE 1980s
I just called my boyfriend "Dad"... Awkward
WHO TURNS DOWNA FRESHLY WAXED VAGINA IN A MAIDS COSTUME LITERALLY LAYING IN YOUR BED
Can't believe we're making vacation plans with the guy we had a threesome with
Have you ever looked at someone and thought…oh honey, you're too pretty for an ankle monitor
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