Afterwards she curled up in my dog's bed and slept there all night
How mad was your dog?
When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
When i woke up this morning she asked me 'when did you first find out that you could see the future.' I gotta stop drinking.
I kept whispering "I love it when you call me big papa" until she got annoyed and left
He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....
Nothing like a $37 iTunes bill. Jesus Christ do you know how many $2 beer/shot specials that is??? The answer is 16. 16 beer/shot specials.
Ok, it is technically a gay bar but it's a total dive w/ strong drinks. The important thing is you can start drinking at 11:00 am without judgement
oh oh oh, and apparently you can bring in your own snacks. Some old dude just gave me cashews and cheetos.
"You can go raw dog up in me". Exact words. I can't decide whether to run, or fuck. Help.
It was like, once I started flashing you, I couldn't stop.
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
Jesus Christ. Even your cock has to be an overachiever. :-(
Do you know how fucking great a bath bomb is when you're high?
I lost a fight last night. By that I mean I head butt the bar and busted my lip open.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
she filled my toilet with birdseed... i tried flushing it but now it's clogged so she has to come over and fix it because it was her mistake in the first place
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