No one appreciates an amoeba in a balloon hat.
We can make salsa ya know, maybe even some hot sauce. That doesn't mean we're married.
If my vagina had boots, it would be shaking in them.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
I woke up to you in just boxers at my door at 7a.m. with you saying how many squrriels you counted on the walk back, then you made me penis shaped pancakes
for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
Also, just had a student offer to sell me Xanax. Want some? Just for like a rainy day. Or our memorial day shitshow. Or just another Wednesday night.
He said he was gonna go pull a lochte and the next thing we know he's outside ass naked peeing in the neighbors kiddie pool.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
I gave a handjob to the beat of uptown fuck last night
So apparently last night while I was drunk I read him erotic fanfiction while he was eating me out. He stopped every now and then to give me feedback.
Umm...sounds like a maybe. I broke my nose and have surgery next wed but if I'm ok by Friday I'm down.
As I was blowing him, he proceeded to tell me that his friend who I blew years ago gave me a five star review on my BJ skills. And, he agrees.
Atta girl.
I mean, it's good for a lot of things. Just not the inside of your vagina
Well neither is bbq sauce but I dont judge kinks
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