There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.
...oh my god that's like anal suicide
I'm aware. I'm writing the eulogy for my colon as we speak.
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.
I've taken a shot every five minutes for the past twenty. His valentines cupcakes are going to be a fucking delicious vodka induced mess. Thinking about putting vodka in this next batch. I'm the best girlfriend.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
You grabbed my dick don't call me son
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
