Why did I cab home last night?
Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.
I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines
How was the birthday sex?
Shit got outta hand. Honestly I think even my STDs have STDs.
This is my gift to your gina
I just need to stick to one night stands and delete social media
So my POF profile is full of Archer references. Only guys who get them will be getting any response to their messages.
That's not "anything", that's you deep throating a mozzarella stick.
I baked a frozen pizza completely, put it back in the plastic and box, and put it back in the freezer. THAT drunk.
Stop calling me, Mom. I'm in his closet. You're gonna blow my cover and I'm about to catch this lying SOB.
Please don't fuck the professor. We both know that won't end well.
Yea. You locked yourself outside naked with nothing but running shoes and claimed it was a "parent trap thing."
I'm going to the store to get corona, salad, and blunt wraps...
We were all having a bath, the three of us, then that drug dealer guy walked in and peed. Sitting down. Apparently he didn't want to offend us.
Randomize
