I solve my problems like an adult, at the strip club drinking on a work night.
make sure you eat your skittles last so when you barf you can barf RAINBOWS.
I'm glad you enjoy my eating disorder so much.
Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.
WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.
When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.
Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.
I text him "Dude. Tryna get fucked here. I only have half the parts. I need your help" I'm sure my mom would be super proud of the woman I have become.
SURVIVAL MODE. WE CAN DO THIS. Celebratory survived-working-christmas-retail sex to follow
Please, by all means, tell me what can't be helped by two stiff drinks & a blowjob?
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
Instead of saying hi she asked if she could touch your dick through your ski bib and NOW I understand why you wore it to the bars
Yeah, sorry about that. Dropped the phone on my face while I was watching porn.
I can't believe I'm going to buy bitcoin to pay for erection pills
I just threw up in the bushes and my gardener started clapping...
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
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