The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.
I just farted for five sidewalk sections! New personal best.
I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.
I wish Denzel Washington would coach my flip cup team..
Its not really a relationship, its more of a sex for booze program.
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.
Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?
I'm not liking this ratio of moving to blowjobs...
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
I own a halfway home for drunk girls, this is my life
She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
I got wine drunk and bought a hedgehog
Goat in kitchen.....explanation?....
Randomize
