I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.
it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.
How was your 8:30 class today?
Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.
I think we need to teach you what straight means again
At Walgreens. I'm getting condoms and a bottle of water so that I'm not "just getting condoms". I don't think I'm fooling anyone though.
If its possible to have a hickey on your nipple, I have one. Thank you.
This was the fourth year in a row I got arrested at Pride. Pretty sure that qualifies me as a legend.
The cop told me I was the prettiest guy he'd arrested in a while. I'm still not sure if it was a come on or not.
Currently googling hangover cures, which looks a lot like working from the perspective of my boss.
When I came she triumphantly exclaimed, "MUAHAHA VICTORY IS MINE!"
Randomize
