i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?
You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.
My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"
I guess I puked all over my hand too and I just looked at my roommate and said, "fix this."
You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever
great idea involving lots of fake blood and face paint, call me tomorrow.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"
Trying to ignore the fact that a kid I hooked up with twice just gave me spare keys to his house ... and car.
You have not lived until you've had your brains fucked out on a broken down Tunnel of Love ride. Life is good.
I just traded a couple nudes for pizza delivery. Call me lazy, easy, or an entrepreneur, but either way I'll have dominoes in 15 minutes.
How long until you're healed?
Physically? A week or so. Emotionally? The scars of dislocating my knee at a frat and flashing my panties to the whole crowd wi never heal.
Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.
I didn't have anyone to cheers so I tapped my beer on your fish tank... a little too hard
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