Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.
Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.
you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
I'm way too drunk on a Sunday to handle this level of Jesus.
the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.
Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.
How was your weekend?
The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.
He wants me to have his first child. So that makes four gay men that've called dibs on my eggs.
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
Unfortunately hes not a hipster douchebag with no life goals, so naturally I'm not interested.
I'll get him an axe as a present. So he can break out of his closet. That axe being my penis.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
Had to leave my skype meeting to vomit. I'm obviously ready for the real world.
The sorting hat of life was not kind to you.....
Randomize
