If I had a nickel for every time somebody called me a bad person I would have enough money to check into rehab
Only at my house do scrabble games turn into fist fights. I won though... the fight not the board game.
i think our first tip to leave should have been when we saw the drinks were coming out of a gas can
I'm thinking I had intended to send you pics cuz I woke up naked
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.
Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign
He was rocking just a diaper, shoes, and a gun. Sadly, I would still hit it.
A BJ like that needs to be recommended.
Just streaked campus for a bottle of patron...maybe you're right...I might have a drinking problem...
He walked into the bar, took a deep sniff and said "this place is fertile and ready for my seed" then calmly walked to the service area
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I seriously just forgot to push down the toaster twice in a row \n\nSo I've been waiting 8 minutes for toaster strudels that I haven't even started... Too high
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
