i was more sad about losing him as neighbor on fishville than as a boyfriend
I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.
You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,
I wanted to be a dolphin.
Maybe it was silver. I don't know. I was drunk sifting through my dogs vomit.
Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.
Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.
ripping the fire alarm off the wall probably seemed like a better idea last night than it really was.
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
I was trying to fart in my sleep in the hopes that he would leave
I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.
And it tastes incredible.
And I have chest pains.
I would like to formally reclaim my title of a turn up queen.
Did you send me a cake saying 'Happy 1st One-Night Stand Ever'?
Homeboy just asked me to strip for him. He should not be this horny and allowed to be in Vegas with his kid.
Whoever was the bastard/bitch/genius who duct taped my keys to my dick so I wouldn't lose them. I hate you.
Randomize
