Lavender boy was great at seduction and crappy in bed.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
my grand plan for the evening is to do shots of vodka til i cant anymore
I think I might be in your shoes. Except they are actually my shoes. Either way these shoes are wasted.
Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.
Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
She said we "made love." I had to explain to her that when both parties agree that the first time time they have sex both people agree to video tape the whole thing its not "making love" but more like random good time fun sex.
She took one look at my hardon and said, "You have a dick built for anal."
That wasn't a compliment.
I need more social interactions that don't involve sex
By the way, just opened the browser on my phone for the first time today... And it was it the "images" section of "who invented ass fucking"
So thanks for that
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
Waking up drunk is great, waking up drunk and hanging with your mom is even better.
He just walked in on me naked with a beer in my hand eating a calzone in bed. If he wasn't in love with me before...
I just lived through a real life episode of jersey shore.
Randomize
