i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out
Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...
I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.
The goblet must only be used for good. And vodka. And anything t-pain would be proud of.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
officially christened the dorm room by sucking my spilled drink off the floor. tastes like homee
This is the fourth day in a row I've walked outside in the same pajamas. I think the neighbors have finally given up on judging me.
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
Did we really just set fireworks off in a cemetery? Or was that a dream?
I think so and I think we were sober.
I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.
We need to stop going to pet stores high.
Things he's good at: oral sex and geometry. Things he's not good at: actual sex.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
So this is how i'm celebrating Easter? By eating chicken nuggets and masturbating all day. What a life.
The last thing I remember is trying to chug the rest of the everclear, running through a fence, and laying down in the snow. I hurt.
I just passed a lady driving with a cat in a sweater sitting on her lap with its paws on the steering wheel
Only you....
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