Hotel room at 3 am. She's 42. Stockings and heels. All because I opened with a joke about cougar hunting. We'll high-five later.
Being a girl sucks.
Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"
To a 70 year old lady?!
Pretty sure I was rubbing Halloween candy all over my face and saying "these are my bitches."
Maybe I'll make your dreams come true and pee on you tomorrow.
Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver
This may have to wait till tomorrow. I smoked so my back wouldn't hurt and I overshot relaxed by like 4 hits casually
There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"
Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton
WHY WONT HOT GETMAN MAKR PUPR WITH ME!!!!???!?!!
I just wanted to be nice to your dick and you are rhyming at me.
my grandpa paid for my boob job but he just doesn't know it.
so, i take that as a legit invitation into his pants
I ACCIDENTALLY MURDERED MY COUSIN
HOW DO YOU ACCIDENTALLY MURDER YOUR COUSIN
I just came in my own mouth don't ask me how cuz it really hurt and felt good at the same time.
Randomize
