I am going to give you the keys to my place
Then I'll give you the keys to my heart
Gag me
Dude just fell down the stars trying to leave class early, the prof just looks down at him and says"thats what you get"
Worst night here by far. And ive slipped in my own piss so thats saying something
i wasn't about to bring her gummy handcuffs to her father's funeral
Thursday nights need to stop happening to me.
He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way
How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.
Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
The salesman at the smoke shop just told me my hair is glorious...
Woke up, moved an empty handle of fireball to spit blood, then put the morning cigarette out in it.
Take your time. I'm mowing the lawn. In the dark. Drunk.
He wants to pour butter pecan flavored coffee creamer on me and lick it off. I'm like, dude, gross. French Vanilla ok? Ugh.
He asked if I was a pirate because my "arrrrrrrrse" was worth burying. 10/10 for effort, 20/10 for serial killer vibes.
You mom sent me some article linking anal sex, damaged prostates and sterility. Does she still think your gonna go straight and have kids one day?
Randomize
