Well listen chief - never again do i want the scenario of going to the ER totally naked and partially drunk to b a possibility.
I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.
hey, we don't wanna leave the house because we're watching fireworks on tv. this is america.
she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
and yes, the jail cell in Citi Field does have a big Mets symbol in it
do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.
I'm so covered in bruises. God dammit drunk me. We are a lady.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom
Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.
I made it crystal clear I'm only upset because he's not anywhere fit to be a father of my unborn zygote
I still don't know why she was so offended when I emerged from the bathroom and told her my balls were now clean.
Randomize
