Bt dubs, I still have cuts on my arm from when you attacked me with a dildo on Saturday night.
a girl is trying to cook hot pockets in a saute pan on the stove.
If I have to take him to the hospital, I'm drawing dicks on his face
i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
I was standing when I hit it. I barely made it to the couch before the walls started turning into people.
But youre all cute and shit. Woo that cunt. And by cunt i mean strong independent woman
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Oh my god I forgot there were Band-Aids on my nipples
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
there's cocaine on the ipad again........... was your sister here last night?
Every time I try to do something productive I end up searching ghost porn.
Well you could have stayed home, played house and got blow jobs all weekend babe, but we all have to live with our decision
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
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