Last night was a blur. All I remember is jizzing in the squeegee bucket at a gas station.
The look on the soccer mom's face was PRICELESS.
The best time of year to be high is WHEN THE KING CAKES ARE HALF OFF BECAUSE MARDI GRAS IS OVER YEEEEEEEEEEEEAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHH
Stalkers don't have time for showers...it's a full time job
did that guy on the oscars really just tell me to text a dolphin?
Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"
I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
If I come back covered in mud topless and banging on your door, please have a warm towel ready for me
Tried making out with pop rocks in my mouth. That shit is magical.
pretty sure tht was the guy who once went to the club dressed as waldo. he still looks weirdly fuckable.
She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
I'm in Home Depot and I can feel the straight bob the builders staring at me. I bet it's like I have a rainbow arrow pointing at me.
If you don't believe in my fighting skills, I don't know if we can be together
I can't be held responsible for another man's penis.
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