ally, we are sitting by a fire and you are totally hot. no pun intended
first missing my period. then crying at the clinic... but why?
we had sex 3 months ago. you missed your period 2 weeks ago. but nice try.
last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I can't breathe out the right side of my face
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
found my necklace. it was safe with all 6 boxes of peeps that i bought that night.
Ssssssssssshhhhhhhhhhhiiiiiiii!iiiiiiiiiitttttttttttttttssssssssssssshhhhhhhhooooooooowwwwwww. Letters for emphaSSIIISISEEEE!
If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.
If you're knocked up, we're telling everyone it's mine and that the power of our love overcame the inherent reproductive limitations of two vhagines.
Based on the time of Sean's "I'm on your street" phone call last night, we had sex for an hour and a half. Man, time flies when you're getting boned to an orgasmic death.
also i think i should join the bone marrow registration when im sober
I feel like at this point in my life I should be dating someone who doesn't run out of all his money on Mondays and have to wait til fridy to buy his weed
I feel like my dick pic collection should be archived at the Smithsonian
If I was banging all the guys that people think I am, I'd quit buying batteries.
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Randomize
