I wannas sexs uuuuu
I think I deserve the nobel peace prize for discovering that one should smoke before drinking instead of drinking before smoking.
Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?
I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes
i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her
I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.
Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.
that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it
Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.
why would you automatically assume i'm high...
you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
wait can you just like go into detail with this penis touching thing? like was it a hand job or was it like a day at the petting zoo or something
Last night dinner was cinnamon buns and whiskey. At least tonight I had a fajita with my cookies and tequila. I may be a little stressed about these end of semester tests.
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
Please don't give away my fajitas
He's a wizard, there is no other explanation for how hard I came last night. None.
Randomize
