we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
lady crackhead wearing pjs and a santa hat brushed the snow off my car at 7am saying "free of charge" the whole time
It was so good the neighbors even had a cigarette.
I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.
Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off
Just dodged a state trooper, your weed will be there shortly. Fear the unbustable!
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
Also I want everyone to be drunk at my funeral. Instead of wearing black just blackout. That way everyone can celebrate how fun I was
Until you have had Country Grammar stuck in your head whilst writing a Supreme Court brief you've never lived.
BILL GATES DONALD TRUMP LET ME IN NOW
at one point while they were drilling into my jaw I just remember thinking "will I ever be able to suck dick again"
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
I just got a snapchat of a flaccid penis with the caption "happy belated valentine's day." What did I do to deserve this
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
If you dont get laid dressed as Woody Harrelson in Zombieland, I have lost all faith in the men of nw Indiana.
Idk, apparently drinking five Four Loko's and trying to fight a mailbox constitutes disorderly conduct.
Randomize
