Swear. I think after passing out in a community college parking lot I can safely nominate myself for the piece of shit of the year award
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.
Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.
U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks
Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka
I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.
I'm going to take a nap so I don't feel like a stripper sneezed in my mouth tomorrow morning at work.
i ended up making out with my new neighbor in a stranger's car that we found unlocked on a driveway somewhere. apparently drunk self never say "no" to adventure.
Update. A gay dude just told me I'm the most beautiful thing with a vagina he as ever seen. How should I feel about this?
I walked into the living room this morning and he was there with 3 shots in a row. He said it was "tea time."
was his pinky out?
And he listens to me when I talk to him like the hulk.
I blacked out. Broke into their house. Took a shit, and left. This is why you can't leave me unattended.
i think ive been high everyday since ive met you
In the past year, I've fucked 3 Dave's and you've fucked 2 Dave's. That's a lot of Dave's in our vaginas.
We need to start a soap opera called the Dave's of Our Lives.
Randomize
