He has such a weird drunk-voice.
dude, he's deaf.
yeah it was kind of like, i'm 27 and still live in a frat house.. you honestly expect me to have "moral fiber" and a "conscience"
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago
It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations
I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo
I think I reached some stage of aging, have a sore/injured shoulder from sex, next up carpal tunnel from sexting.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
I'm over being sad. I'm now onto thinking about all the ways in which he is a total fuckwaste
My ex unfollowed me on SPOTIFY bruh. Freaking spotify. The butthurt is real
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
Randomize
