why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.
I needed to borrow my dads nail clippers and next to it was an industrial size box of condoms if that wasnt bad enough I dropped the clippers behind the bed and discovered hundreds of used condoms
she was on her period so I asked if she wanted to make ass babies
The ratio was 19 to 1 and the 1 was lauren so it didn't even count.
should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?
Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
He's moaning and crying and coughing up something audibly liquid. I can't live in this house any more.
I'm going as your incestuous sister. If thats not the perfect winglady I don't know what is.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
I am so horny that I an legitimately concerned for your safety when I see you tonight.
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
You smell like a steam boat captain.
Whatever your on right now, I want.
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
Randomize
